I don't really want to swim with you.

I am listening to the most ridiculous conversation between my office-mate and one of his residents. This resident has a problem being appropriate with women. He can’t look at anything but breasts if he’s talking to a woman and he always gets this shit-eating grin across his face while he’s doing it. He’s really old and it’s really gross and awkward. He also breathes heavily, especially on the exhale for some reason. I am trying not to pay any attention to him which is why I’ve buried my face in my computer for the time being. Literally, he’s staring at my chest right now from across the room and I feel incredibly weird. Sadly, though, he has zero control over this. He just said that he wishes he didn’t objectify women and that he could get along better with them AS he continues to stare me down. It’s interesting that we can feel people’s eyes so well. When someone is staring at you, you just know. 

Side note: I’m fascinated by all of the different people in the world. Making eye contact with total strangers ranks pretty high on the list of things I enjoy doing during my morning commute. Because some people just know how to make eye contact, ya know? This morning was all rainy and the train to Evanston was way more crowded than usual. I woke up late as always, cannon balled into the shower, brushed my teeth, and flew out the door with soaking wet hair. I always try to stand in the front of the train, in the private little nook so I don’t have to sit next to anyone that I don’t want to because it creeps me out. So, in my mind, I’m the only one on the train. “I’m Sorry I Sang On Your Hands That Have Been In The Grave” comes on and sounds perfect even in my shitty little ear buds that I greatly despise. I’m having the most intense love affair with Sunset Rubdown lately . I’ve always liked them but suddenly these sounds and these lyrics define everything that is my life. It’s all I can do. I’ve done similar things with other bands, yeah. This just seems more important for some reason. “I don’t really want to swim with you” is a small line of words and none of those words individually hold any momentum but the way he puts them in that order and the way his voice aches when he sings them makes it pretty hard for me to stand. They are coming to Chicago again soon. Yes!! Thank you, life.

Airport Amusement

There's a baby sitting across from me right now. A girl. She's super baby-ish, probably only a couple of months old. What was she doing before she got here? Just swimming in her dad's balls and kickin' it in her mom's ovary? I wouldn't want to have ever been inside either of those things from the looks of it. Yeck. I don't know why I'm judging these poor people. Guess they shouldn't have sat across from me.

And THIS guy. This guy, ha ha. He's definitely bad in bed. Cool beverage you're sipping through that straw. What is that, ginger ale? root beer?

NOM NOM NOM SANDWICH!! I bet it's a really lame sandwich. No hot peppers or anything. I bet he hates mustard but I guarantee there is a fuck ton of mayonnaise on that sub.

UPDATE: I feel bad for hating on the parents and baby. They're aight. She just breast fed and then he burped the 'lil one. That was nice of him. I like teamwork! Good job, guys.

The dude behind me is totally blasting No Doubt in his headphones. He's at least 50 years old. Definitely amusing/annoying.

There go a couple of douche-bags to stand in line like it means something. We all have a number, you ass patties! It doesn't matter how fucking early you arrive. Also, nice Tigger tee.

Dude finished his ginger ale and in an attempt to look even gayer is now sucking each ice cube and delicately spitting them back into his cup. This is making me angry. I need to look away now.

The overhead announcement is definitely still referring to swine flu as it keeps telling us how to wash our hands and cover our mouths. Really? Thanks.

Baby people: I don't think they'll be having much sex other than for reproductive purposes. I hope I'm wrong, but it's not likely.

There's a semi-attractive man sitting across the room. He's probably in his 30's. He kind of looks like Chuck Norris, though. Except tall and much smarter looking. I would consider him a 7 but I'm feeling generous all of a sudden. Please sit by me so that the sandwich dude doesn't. He smells of onions.

HOLY FUCK A PLANE JUST TAXIED BY WITH A FUCKING DINOSAUR ON THE TAIL WING! I want to go where that plane is going RIGHT NOW.

We got an all denim outfit at 3:00 and some khaki cargo shorts with a neon green polo at 9:00. Oh so sexy.

Welp! Time to put my life in the hands of a total stranger at 30,000 feet in the air. What anxiety?

When Muffins have BIRTHDAYS Sheatards come a knockin'!

Dear Katie Horning,

You are my life energy. You are the chicken to my ‘a la king’. You are a wonderful, lovely, beautiful person. If I didn’t have you I would want to leave this planet immediately. I rejoice in the happiness that is your life. I’m glad that Smaz loves you as much as I do. I want to bake things for you regularly. I hope that someday we can live in the same state again. Until then, I will carry you in my heart. You are the wind beneath my wings. I miss wincing the night away with you. Clarity. Black out. Bladders and duck farts. Rice is nice. SING IT! Run away with me? I would definitely consider being a surrogate mother for you and Smaz if you ever need one and if Smaz would let me. I’m glad you also get weirded out by nasty meat. I want to defrost perogis with you in the bathroom sink every night. I’d also give anything to see you walk out of Goodfellas with a giant stack of pizza every night. I miss everything about you but more importantly I LOVE everything about you. Please have the best birthday ever. I am begging you. 

Love for eons,

Sheatard

You should hear the wind in my window.

Half a pack of Orbit gum, a matchbook, 35 cents, and the teeny tiniest battery (a AAA KingKong) were all stuffed frantically into an envelope and thrown onto my desk with verbal orders to put it in the mail.  This is an example of mania. The resident’s diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder w/ Psychotic Features. He is literally flipping the fuck out. He’s always pretty manic but today it’s more than that. He’s got a shit-eating grin plastered across his face, he’s been talking an awful lot about pickles, and he’s been in and out of my office 700 times for the past hour because as soon as he leaves he comes right back with some new object and now he’s wanting to mail everyone he’s ever known something. So this particular envelope (there are many) is addressed to Steppenwolf  Theatre but there is no actual address, no stamp, and he’s writing with glitter pens. He just left and I locked my door for a moment because I had to know what’s inside the envelope since it’s all bulky. So, some old gum, old pack of matches, spare change, and a baby battery. Um, okay? But there’s also a note! Huzzah! This is what it says, keep in mind this is written with a glitter pen: 

Dear Sir I said 4 children Regards Lord Nordy! 

(wait4meandCharlene 4OCelciy 1+6+9 eons=4#7centigrage)

I man electrician enjoy the doors my friend the doors

Love, Steve PS: Stolen From Steve 

Love, Little Robby

BOOM BABY

.........new page.........

Dear Ms. July,

I am your biggest fan. Play piano w/me! I shall see you with clothes July 1st with a VERY special gift. FIVE FIVE! you HOT! 

Love, Not Stalker Little Robby

...........new page........

We count 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 land 

I ‘e’ and a 2 ‘e’ and ‘a’

cat-a-pil-ar

cat-apilar

cat-apillow

my bootsy your pal boobshead

DON’T LEAVE ME! I BEG YOU!

IGOR STRAVINSKY AKA LITTLE ROBBY!!!

........new page.......

my roommate who thinks he’s NASA says to me 

“Don’t be weird”

THE END

So, yeah, by the way, he’s my favorite. Not only is he totally nuts, he’s actually got a great sense of humor and he has been cracking me up all day. He always talks to me about his “girlfriend” but today he told me that she’d saw his balls off and put them in a paper shredder if she knew he was making me laugh. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually exist.  A lot of residents are totally manic this week for some reason?  It makes my job a lot more fun because they end up saying the most awesome shit and when they’re manic it’s a euphoric feeling for them so everyone’s happy! The down side is that a manic episode typically ends abruptly and leaves the person in severe depression so we have to monitor them closely. One of my residents that doesn’t live here any longer once told me that when she’s manic she feels like she’s having a constant orgasm and that when it’s over it feels like she just witnessed someone murder her son. Interesting.

You should hear the wind in my window.

online journal? wevs.

I don’t want to blog just for the sake of blogging and I know that what I have to say isn’t necessarily earth-shattering but I like to write and I appreciate your feedback. I also realize that there are maybe 5 people who read my blog but hey, got to start somewhere, right?

On the train to work today I realized a few things: 1.) My next pet will be named “Cankles”, even if it’s a fish, 2.) I really need to stop getting drunk and sending text messages, 3.) Sunset Rubdown exists perfectly, 4.) I’m only attracted to people and things that I can’t have, 5.) I miss being in love, and 6.) I need to understand that not everyone’s mind revolves around the things that mine does and that that is a good thing.

I’m 23 years old. I don’t know jack about anything! My days are split between work, the internet, and daydreaming along Lake Michigan. And blogging, I guess. My mind is constantly contemplating it’s existence and looking for new ways to drive me crazy. Right now I’m watching one of my residents walk up and down the hallway and he is cracking up laughing. That’s his life. He does this every day! Just walks and laughs, walks and laughs. It looks like he’s having fun but is he? I don’t know! He won’t tell me! He just LAUGHS! And here I am, sitting in my office wondering what the hell I’m doing here.  When I was 16 and looking at the next 10 years of my life I thought for sure that I would be married to some amazing man and probably even have my first kid around now.  A lot about that bothers me. It bothers me that I thought that was what I wanted and it also bothers me that I don’t have it. Do I even want that? I don’t know anymore. I mean, I want love and I’ve had small tastes of it but I want the kind of love that I see between people like my grandparents. There’s something to be said about that old couple you see holding hands and moving slowly together while the whole world zips and zooms around them. It’s okay for them to take their time. They fought for each other and they won! I want to win! I want to play with someone’s hair from dark to white. I’m impatient and when I find something I like I know that I get carried away easily but it’s because I don’t find that many people that I TRULY want to know more about. Why do we have to hold back? Everyone likes knowing that someone likes them. Everyone likes to be loved. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Yes I do. I’m talking about love! Whatever, I’ve had a great time being single in Chicago and I’ve certainly learned a lot about myself. Being single isn’t as bad as I thought it would be but nothing is as good as opening your eyes in the morning and realizing that he/she is already awake and has been watching you adoringly in your final moments of rest before you re-enter the world for another day. 

I need to relax.

something old

remember that look

the one that’s for her now

and remember the way it stung 

to be pinched by someone’s eyes

it was uncomfortable at times

“you have such beautiful eyes”

is what he would say to her

not knowing they were no longer his

“I’ll love you forever with all of my pieces”

she said this as they laid, deaf to the fan and the city sirens

only hearing each other and believing what was said

she never thought herself a liar

but lies became life became lies

he doesn’t like cream or sugar 

but sometimes a little milk is okay

it means nothing to know this

but it used to mean something

it’s not fair to love these things

it’s not fair to love anything at all

he would kiss, “that’s my neck”

she would kiss, “those are my eyes”

he would kiss, “those are my lips”

she would kiss, “that’s my forehead”

is it bad to tremble when we remember?

when remembrance is all we’ve got?

2 posts in one day? This bitch is crazy.

“I said to my soul be still, and wait without hope; for hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith. But the faith, and the love, and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

One of my residents came to my office in a fit of desperation and basically demanded that I let him write the above quote on a piece of paper because he felt it's the only way to describe how he was feeling. This is a man who has lived in our facility for just over a year. He's an amazing writer but he keeps most of it to himself and only shows me tidbits here and there. He spent much of his adult life as one of the chaotic, a homeless person. Details are blurry and often hard for me to gather but he ended up marrying a woman and pulling his act together for 8 years. He talks about her every day and his eyes beg you to believe in the love that he has for her and it's actually heartbreaking. He doesn't know why he lost her or why he lives in this facility. What I know is that there is a restraining order that she put against him because apparently there was some domestic violence between them. He doesn't remember anything and I believe him 100% and you would too. His frustration these days is that he feels trapped in his own mind knowing that no matter what he does he will always have to deal with the anguish that can so rapidly take control and hurt the people that he cares for. He and I have a really great rapport but there have been moments that he will storm out of my office only to come back and tell me that he felt like he was going to lose control and I'm never quite sure what that would entail but the depth of his pain is always apparent and you can literally see it burning inside of him. There's nothing he can do and there's nothing I can do other than offer my ear and a few words of encouragement. I think he's spectacular and I always tell him so. I guess what prompted this blog is how beautiful that quote that he gave me is. It's by T.S. Eliot who I knew not much of until this point. Mental illness is one of the greatest tragedies of mankind because what do we have if we don't have our minds? I know! We have a life of cigarettes, coffee, and solitude.

Take care of your brain piece, people. It's literally all you've got.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNKpLL6laoA (type this into your browser and enjoy)

ignorance is bliss

I prefer sitting on the floor to laying in a bed

I imagine if I were this planted all of the time

I would understand more and frustrate less

you would be the only one but for me

because if we can’t walk then we have to sit 

and if I’m going to be sitting, I’d like to sit with you

I felt you that day and I noticed your scent

you don’t scare me like they always will

I like the way your mind is as if it were put in your head for me to take care of

I like the way your mind works as if to let me breathe

because if we can’t walk then we have to sit

and if I’m going to be sitting then I have to sit with you

if it’s okay with you I don’t want you to talk 

I want to sit here and decide what you’re thinking

I want to make sure that I’m on your mind

if it’s okay, I’ll direct your thoughts so that they bounce between you and me

because if we can’t walk then we have to sit

and if I’m going to be sitting, love, then they have to let me sit with you

Go.

I have to go. It's been building up inside of each particle that makes me exist and I know that I just have to go. I don't know when but I don't have to know when and that's beautiful. I don't want to be on a schedule, I don't want to do what you do. I'm so young(!) and free and in love with the idea of what's ahead of me. I won't be here long. Longer, yes, but not long. I want truth and I want love and I want to see everything and I will.