people are just busy sometimes

she can run along the shore

giggling uncontrollably

and she can gesture that you join

but the sun will warm her skin

so she'll split herself apart

cut herself open wide

feel the salt in the water

become heavy in her hollowed heart

I wrote this for you. (lie)

I am sitting in a little cafe stealing internets and watching people and pondering my very existence. For some reason, when I'm hungover my mind either berates me all day or it doesn't stop asking questions. Today is a question hangover. The most frequent question I asked myself is why am I/are we here? What if I wasn't here? I always wonder who would be affected the most and in what ways by my untimely death (besides my mom obviously). Is that morbid? I don't WANT to die I just want to know what would happen if I did. It doesn't feel morbid but then again I'm pretty darn numb at the moment and I probably shouldn't post this because it all of a sudden became depressing and now I'm just making words and waiting to see where this sentence leads me but it seems to just keep going in no real direction so I guess I'll put a period right here>. 

Today at work I learned for the 80 thousandth time that none of us can function correctly without love in our lives. It is just so important. The amount of evidence that supports the absolute need we all have for love and acceptance is pretty heavy. If you have two babies and one of the babies is raised in isolation and the other baby is constantly hugged and kissed one of them will probably end up a sociopath. Guess which one. 

Did the guy who invented the tofu dog ever eat a real hot dog? 

How is it October?? I'm pretty sure it was June last week. That's the unfortunate thing about growing up, they take away our summers. I never thought about how different my summer would be if I were working a full-time job and it was A LOT different mainly because I didn't even notice it was here. This is the first summer in my little life that I didn't go swimming once. I didn't get ANY sun. I'm not a huge advocate for "laying out" or anything but still. My weeks go by so quickly and it freaks me out a bit. 

I'm going to be 24 in exactly 2 months but where did 23 go? This is different than when years have gone by in the past. It's always like, "well, that flew by", but this year has been non-existent to me. All I can hope is that 24 is less of the stupid. Much of 23 has been spent making terrible decisions that only hurt me in the end. I will always convince myself that I can do anything at any time and I should never regret my decisions because it's what I wanted at that moment and if I hadn't done it I would just regret not doing it. I guess the only things I've learned are that even the nicest people can be closet assholes and to never eat another tofu dog as long as I live. Not everyone cares about my well-being, that's for sure. 

Someone told me the other day that I need to be selfish and that person is right. He said I "deserve" to be selfish. Thanks.

We all have room for improvement. I know that we'll all be fine. Tomorrow morning I leave for San Francisco. "Oh, that does me good."

I like pigeons. So what?

I browse the craigslist personals when I feel like making fun of people and it usually makes me giggle. However, it is absolutely disgusting the number of legitimate ads in existence that are married people looking to start affairs. That's so much worse than like, I dunno, falling accidentally into one with a coworker or something. People that rush themselves into marriage are actual retards. Communicate with your spouse before you start diddling your neighbor. 

I recently got on Skype in order to talk to a dear friend of mine who happens to live in Austria. He's my only friend on it and I don't ever search for people on Skype. The other day, though, this guy sends me an instant message accidentally because he was looking for a different Shea. We talked for a couple of minutes and realized that we live pretty close to each other and have a lot in common, blah blah. He's 26, I'm 23. He didn't have a picture of himself so I just figured he was some creeper until he opened up the video chat window and just so happened to be incredibly attractive. So, he's acting all ridiculous like we're soul mates that accidentally skyped into each other or something and then he tells me that he's married. It really pissed me off and then he continued to say inappropriate things to me for a couple of weeks. He kept trying to get me to meet up with him and plan all these times for us to chat while his wife would be at work. I finally blocked him because I'm not about to get caught up in that crap but still. Why get married if you still have wandering eyes? If you had bad sex before you got married then you're going to have bad sex while you're married.  If you were uncertain about marriage before you got married then you're going to flip the fuck out once you are actually married. It's not hard.

I'm not anti-marriage or anything but I wish people would think a lot harder about what it actually means to get married and stay married. It's about loving someone 100% and with all of your pieces forever and until always without hesitation and not putting that love at stake for anything or anyone. It's not easy and we're only human but I am a firm believer that true love exists but requires a decent amount of maintenance. Life is only an accumulation of experiences and our own individual experiences/how we interpret them are what define us so whatever you choose to do with your time is completely fine but if you choose to get married and produce baby humans then please be in it for the long haul. Thanks and happy Sunday!

My head hurts.

I present you with this.

Nothing could ever touch us. They can't touch what we have. What we had is still what we have and it will always be that. When we're together we will always be what we were because it's what we are until forever.

This hangover makes me want to die and this weekend FOR SURE killed a piece of my soul for reasons that I won't publicly address. Uncle Teabag gets me every time.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. My heart beat is heavy. My heart is heavy. I woke up with socks on. My apartment smells like beer and skittles. I smell like beer and skittles. Take me away from all of this. Don't let go of me for one god damned second. I'm just making words happen.

is there enough pizza?

no! there is not enough pizza! holy fucking hot sauce why is there never enough pizza?!

also, fuck popcorn. 

sorry.

if, then

if I'm a woman

and you're a man

and if we come together

so naturally, flawlessly

if I make you laugh

and you make me smile

and if we lift each other

so high, effortlessly

if I take care of your heart

and you play adoringly with mine

and if we are lost in each other

so real, honestly

if I ask you not to leave

and you say you cannot stay

and if this hurts us both

so broken, deeply

if all of life is left to chance

and by chance our paths have crossed

if we choose to walk in opposite directions

then by choice all of life is lost

it's all going to be fiiiiiine

“I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”

That song, or I guess that lyric, is the only perfect way to describe what it feels like to know you’ll never see someone that you love in the flesh again. You have no choice but to see them figuratively in each of your days. The only times that I feel my dad’s presence are when I’m in front of something vast beyond my mind’s comprehension. For example: all of the hours I spend at Lake Michigan are for him and I feel him in the sky when I'm airborne. When I can’t understand how big something actually is, when I feel as small as I can possibly feel, is when I feel him and it’s when I know that everything in this world is out of my hands and it always has been. All we can do is keep going and allow ourselves to be happy. 

Hmm...I watched Revolutionary Road today. Drank Kombucha today. Listened to the entirety of THE EARTH IS NOT A COLD DEAD PLACE today. Thought a lot about this weekend today. Missed all of my Ohio guys and gals today. 

Hmm...I may be the most indecisive, wishy-washy, little twenty-something to hit Chicago in a long time. Two months ago I was so determined to blow out of this city as quickly as I flew into it but now I feel like I could live here forever. That’s going to change again. I promise! OR maybe it won’t. I feel like something good is closing in on me and I like it. I like who I am at this exact moment in my life. I love the people I’m surrounded by, even the schizophrenic ones, and I want to take the person I am now and make her even better. I love the fact that I’m blogging even if my blogs suck. I love the fact that I’m writing in general! It feels pretty alright.

I love and hate that December will be here in a minute and the next 3 months will be history. I’m looking at them right now but once they pass by I’ll never see them again. It’s beautiful and awkward and inspiring and annoying. Live and love: that’s all you have to do to feel fulfilled. I pinky swear.

Currently listening to: My Bloody Valentine: Loveless

Current mood: Lackadaisical :P

What's my cat doing? Laying directly behind me like a total creeper.