Dr. Internet

My brain has been assaulting me for the last few months which is a normal activity for it except this time it was telling me things like, "YOU HAVE AIDS! FOR SURE!" and "HEADACHE = SYPHILIS/LOVECHILD/BRAIN TUMOR/FATAL INSOMNIA!" I kept being like, "No, Brain! Stop it! I'm trying to apply for jobs that will give me health insurance!" It wasn't working. Instead of applying for new jobs I started using the internet to diagnosis all of the diseases that I was certain had infested my body.

Real quick: did anyone know that such a thing as fatal insomnia exists? I mean, whoa body. Not cool. Anyway...

Here's a tip: do not ever EVER look up any symptoms on the internet unless you have like, a hemorrhoid or something that is easy to compare to a google image. (I once helped a friend diagnose her hemorrhoid with the internet and trust me, there is no room for error when diagnosing those giant ass-vein-balloon things.)

Alright, guess what happens if you ask the internet what might be causing your headaches, loss of appetite, pelvic pain, anxiety, etc?...it will tell you that you are probably already dead but if you happen to still be alive, you will not be for much longer.

So if you tell the internet that you have flu-like symptoms it will tell you that you have:

1.) BODY CANCER! No doubt!

2.) HIV! (yea, if you're lucky! your shitty immune system probably already progressed to AIDS!)

3.) That tingle in your foot? Yea, that's the first indicator of SMALL POX.

4.) You are definitely pregnant!

5.) LATE-ONSET SIDS! What?

6.) The disease where all of your teeth and maybe even your eyebrows fall out!

7.) Just dig your grave already, lady.

I'll stop there but basically the internet tells us that any symptom ever can be caused by anything from the common cold to FUCKING CANCER/AIDS/FETUSES! Dude. Not cool. Common cold > Cancer/AIDS/Babies. Okay well maybe babies are better than having a cold all the time but I am not quite ready to grow another human inside of my body (but if that were the case I would love the baby and be the best mom ever but that's not the case yet). Sorry, future babies. I will (hopefully, maybe) reproduce someday so just be patient. For now I must remain a creepy cat lady with a flat tummy.

So I spent everyday for the last who-knows-how-long-felt-like-forever googling different symptoms that were most likely psychosomatic yet ALL were listed under "possible symptoms" of HIV infection or some form of cancer. Needless to say, I started spazzing myself out until my good friend/coworker, in a frantic attempt to shut me up, made me go get an HIV test and she told me that if I say anything else about having chronic diseases she will beat the shit out of me and never give me any of her trail mix.

Good news: I don't have HIV! and I probably don't have cancer but I am rapidly becoming a hypochondriac thanks to the stupid internet.

I'm kidding. I love you, Internet. You're my boo and all, just please stop telling me I'm going to die.

Then I went home and ate the shit out of some crab rangoon: see above right.