avoiding paperwork

You know. I've been working with mentally ill people for almost a year now and I still can't decide whether they are more free or more trapped than the rest of the population.

The facility that I work in is by no means a "lock down" or anything close. Our residents, the ones that are mentally and physically capable of doing so safely, are free (and encouraged) to go out into the community as they please. Some of them go out for walks along the lake, some go pan handle at the Jewel Osco until they make enough money to buy a King Cobra, some frequent local coffee shops and do odd jobs like take trash out in order to earn a free cup 'o joe. So, aside from financial limitations and a curfew rule most of the residents here have total freedom.

Now I ask myself, "Okay, but how free can you be when your thoughts are clouded with voices?" 

It's not freedom in the sense that most people think of it but these people are the only people I've ever met who are 100% themselves all of the time and no one judges them for it. And if people do judge them as soon as they find out that they're schizophrenic or bipolar their actions are usually excused. They aren't putting on fronts for anybody because they can't. Symptoms of mental illness can certainly come and go but when I come to work and the first thing I see is a fifty year old man doing the dance that he has to do before getting on the elevator which often causes him to miss it when it comes, I always think to myself, "Holy shit, that is serious honesty." Imagine not being able to be anything other than what you are. 

I'm not saying that being mentally ill is super cool and us freedom seekers should strive to get diagnosed but I am saying that I love these people and admire their gusto. Not all have gusto, but just like the rest of the population the ones that do are pretty memorable. Already today I've gotten three high fives from different residents. Good, strong high fives, too.

Sidenote: There's currently a pretty big debate going on in the state of Illinois that directly affects the people that I work with. Some big-whig douche bags think it'd be great to make more money by closing residential facilities like the one I work in down and placing the people that live in them into group homes spread throughout Chicagoland where they would have little to no structured care. The bottom line is that these people are living here for a reason. They need a nursing staff to dispense their meds, they need their meals prepared for them, they need continuous support from social workers. So, if you feel that this is ridiculous and have a chance to vote or stand up for a lot of people who have trouble standing up for themselves then please be my guest.

You have permission to do me.

Is there anything about this picture that isn't the sexiest thing you've ever seen? 

The answer is no.

But also, I had sex with this man's man in my dreams last night and it was "The Notebook's" sex scene multiplied by more awesome. Holy crap. I would've been content never opening my eyes again after that. In my dream he told me that, "I don't have anyone sensual in my life. I need you to be that for me." Um, yes. Anything you want me to be, Mr. Gosling.

But also, this man's lips actually kissed my face a couple months back. Yea. It was cool. I am so pathetic. But he is so hot. And even more so in person. 

Okay, I'm going back to sleep where I will attempt to lucid dream him back into my bed.

baby friends and helpless humans

today I saved a caterpillar!

he was on the sidewalk

and I was afraid he'd get squished 

so to the amusement of some passersby

I put him on a leaf and then under a bush

where he'd be safe and free to fashion his cocoon 

and fly away someday, free!

I walked away thinking I made a difference

in the life of a helpless creature

but then I came back 

and the bugger was in the sidewalk again

so I thought, "why in the world?!"

but then I realized that it's not up to me

none of this is up to me!

so I put him back under the bush

and out of my mind

I'm not in control now but I was for a minute

touch bodies

living about in my reckless world is easy if you live without thinking of anything that has made me who I am compared to who I was I am the same but no one knows that and with good reason they bring me to pieces and I patch them together again and again to know that you love and that I once loved too why am I so happy without you I could never be happy once you take my hand I won't stop until my tears have dried I love that I still love you always keep my hand in your hand in my reckless world I'll keep you close let me feed your emotions with my love my love is with you now let me touch your hand please keep my hand 

people are just busy sometimes

she can run along the shore

giggling uncontrollably

and she can gesture that you join

but the sun will warm her skin

so she'll split herself apart

cut herself open wide

feel the salt in the water

become heavy in her hollowed heart

I wrote this for you. (lie)

I am sitting in a little cafe stealing internets and watching people and pondering my very existence. For some reason, when I'm hungover my mind either berates me all day or it doesn't stop asking questions. Today is a question hangover. The most frequent question I asked myself is why am I/are we here? What if I wasn't here? I always wonder who would be affected the most and in what ways by my untimely death (besides my mom obviously). Is that morbid? I don't WANT to die I just want to know what would happen if I did. It doesn't feel morbid but then again I'm pretty darn numb at the moment and I probably shouldn't post this because it all of a sudden became depressing and now I'm just making words and waiting to see where this sentence leads me but it seems to just keep going in no real direction so I guess I'll put a period right here>. 

Today at work I learned for the 80 thousandth time that none of us can function correctly without love in our lives. It is just so important. The amount of evidence that supports the absolute need we all have for love and acceptance is pretty heavy. If you have two babies and one of the babies is raised in isolation and the other baby is constantly hugged and kissed one of them will probably end up a sociopath. Guess which one. 

Did the guy who invented the tofu dog ever eat a real hot dog? 

How is it October?? I'm pretty sure it was June last week. That's the unfortunate thing about growing up, they take away our summers. I never thought about how different my summer would be if I were working a full-time job and it was A LOT different mainly because I didn't even notice it was here. This is the first summer in my little life that I didn't go swimming once. I didn't get ANY sun. I'm not a huge advocate for "laying out" or anything but still. My weeks go by so quickly and it freaks me out a bit. 

I'm going to be 24 in exactly 2 months but where did 23 go? This is different than when years have gone by in the past. It's always like, "well, that flew by", but this year has been non-existent to me. All I can hope is that 24 is less of the stupid. Much of 23 has been spent making terrible decisions that only hurt me in the end. I will always convince myself that I can do anything at any time and I should never regret my decisions because it's what I wanted at that moment and if I hadn't done it I would just regret not doing it. I guess the only things I've learned are that even the nicest people can be closet assholes and to never eat another tofu dog as long as I live. Not everyone cares about my well-being, that's for sure. 

Someone told me the other day that I need to be selfish and that person is right. He said I "deserve" to be selfish. Thanks.

We all have room for improvement. I know that we'll all be fine. Tomorrow morning I leave for San Francisco. "Oh, that does me good."

I like pigeons. So what?

I browse the craigslist personals when I feel like making fun of people and it usually makes me giggle. However, it is absolutely disgusting the number of legitimate ads in existence that are married people looking to start affairs. That's so much worse than like, I dunno, falling accidentally into one with a coworker or something. People that rush themselves into marriage are actual retards. Communicate with your spouse before you start diddling your neighbor. 

I recently got on Skype in order to talk to a dear friend of mine who happens to live in Austria. He's my only friend on it and I don't ever search for people on Skype. The other day, though, this guy sends me an instant message accidentally because he was looking for a different Shea. We talked for a couple of minutes and realized that we live pretty close to each other and have a lot in common, blah blah. He's 26, I'm 23. He didn't have a picture of himself so I just figured he was some creeper until he opened up the video chat window and just so happened to be incredibly attractive. So, he's acting all ridiculous like we're soul mates that accidentally skyped into each other or something and then he tells me that he's married. It really pissed me off and then he continued to say inappropriate things to me for a couple of weeks. He kept trying to get me to meet up with him and plan all these times for us to chat while his wife would be at work. I finally blocked him because I'm not about to get caught up in that crap but still. Why get married if you still have wandering eyes? If you had bad sex before you got married then you're going to have bad sex while you're married.  If you were uncertain about marriage before you got married then you're going to flip the fuck out once you are actually married. It's not hard.

I'm not anti-marriage or anything but I wish people would think a lot harder about what it actually means to get married and stay married. It's about loving someone 100% and with all of your pieces forever and until always without hesitation and not putting that love at stake for anything or anyone. It's not easy and we're only human but I am a firm believer that true love exists but requires a decent amount of maintenance. Life is only an accumulation of experiences and our own individual experiences/how we interpret them are what define us so whatever you choose to do with your time is completely fine but if you choose to get married and produce baby humans then please be in it for the long haul. Thanks and happy Sunday!

My head hurts.